My Story!

Hey there! This is my testimony and I’m deciding to share it with you on the behalf of working with the Christian Radio Station: K-LOVE! this radio station is the home to many Christian artists, such as: TobyMac, Mandisa, Katy Nichole, Big Daddy Weave, Jordan Felix and so much more! if you want to learn more about K-love, here is their website ( https://listen.klove.com/ . ) And just a heads up, I will be going into detail. (Sugar-coating isn’t my thing.) It was June 29th of 2004, around 7pm, I was born. It was touch and go. My mom had to have a c-section, not a normal birth. It was too risky and It wasn’t a choice to have. I was born 12weeks early (origanally due on 9.14.04 … came out on 6.29.04) Five days later, I had a brain bleed. it lasted two days, and the doctor’s drained out the extra fluids with a needle. then at 8 and a half weeks, I had my first shunt. For 9 weeks, I had to stay in NICU + hooked to feeding tubes, and a bunch of other things. while all this was happening, my parents heavily prayed to God because there was nothin else to do, really. (Note: I would add pics, but I’m not ready to show them, just yet.) On my 1st birthday, I had my first eye surgery on my 2nd birthday, I had my second eye surgery. at around the age of 8 years old, my mom found out I had hearing loss. Of course I didn’t realise, I was too oblivious! let me tell you the story, so you can imagine it! I can’t remember everything because, well, it was over a decade ago! But this is what I remember: I was going to get the mail and back then, our driveway was long and made of gravel. my mom was yelling out my name and I wasn’t hearing her. so that same year in 2012-2013 I got my first pair of hearing aids. I was very excited to get them, over the moon, in fact!! I don’t remember everything of getting my hearing aids, but I remember some. I remember the audiologist using this gun type thing to put the molds in my ears to fit the hearings aids and let me just say, It was the weirdest feeling ever! Even a q-tip is more comfortable – the mold exspanded in my ear to get the correct shape. And it was bright green, like a lime. But my actual molds that I picked were rainbow colored, it was fun to pick the color!! And the part that went over my ear was dark purple. within like a few days or a week, I was switching up the batteries and putting them in my ears everytime I woke up. I was a pro! it was so fun, haha! Even as a child, I LOVED a repetive routine. That routine lasted till Febuary of 2017. 2017 was a very hard, scary year for me…It was January (about a month till surgery and also the surgery was to make my legs straight) and I was a nervous wreck! Who knew a 12 year old could get such anxiety and bad scenarios? I didn’t! I was so scared, to the point I convinced myself that I wouldn’t wake up from surgery or that I wouldn’t ever walk again. I remember having that coversation with my mom that night and the only emotion I felt was fright! The next few weeks were just a blur. if I’m being honest, I hardly remember anything that happened before the surgery, but a lot from after the surgery. I remember waking up and the first thing that I did was cry. (I’ve had three surgeries before the age of 12 years old, but let’s be real, who can remember their first surgeries at that age?) If you do, you are NOT human! An alien? Just maybe. Back to the story. The reason I cried was because I just woke from a 6 hour knockout. (sleep) I didn’t remember much of anything, at all. And I remember being in such pain and waking up every night, crying and wishing I was at home. I remember repeating these words to my dad, ‘I wanna go home! I hate being here!’ I was scared to death. For 5 full days, I was stuck in bed, not able to walk or move my legs. It was traumatic and It still haunts me to this day. (I’m gonna let you in on something. As I’ve been writing this story, I have had to take many, many breaks because I remember all too well (Taylor Swift reference. Who else is a Swiftie???) The only BLESSINGS that got me through those hard times were having my favorite belongings from home with me – my favorite thick, dark blue, feather-filled comforter, my Iphone 5, (white) my red earbuds and my ipad. IT WAS THE BEST!! I remember at the time, the only artists I would listen to were: HOLLYN, TobyMac and Capital Kings. The only 2 songs that helped me see a way through, a sense of happiness and calm were “Love With Your Life” – HOLLYN & “Speak Life” – TobyMac. — 5 days were up and I was allowed to go back home!! Finally. But, the discomfort didn’t stop there.. At home, I had to be on bedrest for three months and also going to physical therapy, and every second was hell! There were lots of tears, moments where I believed that it was never gonna get better and times I didn’t wanna put in the work. A few weeks roll by and I have a doctor’s appointment to check how my bones were healing. I don’t remember how it happened or came about, but, I find out I will be paralyzed for my first TobyMac show, and I was heartbroken, I cried so hard! But even though I was temporarily paralyzed, I still had so much fun! Yes, I was keeping a straight face and unable to dance. But trust me, my insides were exploding! It was the best night ever!! The only emotion that my heart was full of: JOY. Just pure joy. Being able to see the people that saved me, was unexplainable! I don’t remember the dates or the how many times, but for the rest of the year, I went to physical therapy to get me walking. It was hell!! So, slowly moving into 2018, in April my mom started to notice my issuess and told me she wanted to get me help (via therapy.) And when she told me that, I was so mad! I fought, argued, and made up all the excuses I could! On April 2nd, I walked into the room, sat down on the couch and I was pretty nervous! That 1 hour session was just silence till the end. When I grew up, I wasn’t much of a feeling talker, I was very closed in. Due to that, I didn’t tell my therapist anything. “I’m not telling you” were my words to my therapist. It definitely took some time to open up, to build a bond with her and to get better into healing. But with hard work, going every week, and a good attitude, it got better. At the end of the year, (October time), a few days before my therapy session, I was on my bed listening to a song called “Isaac” by HOLLYN and I hear this still, small voice of God, talking to me. I can’t remember what exactly was said, but it was Him telling me to come love Him. I was very interested, so the next day or so, with that thought on my mind, I asked my therapist “I wanna talk about God” and lookin’ back, I’m so grateful I had the courage to ask! Ever since I have been changed. So many things changed in me when I fell for God and that was; how I see myself, how I see my life, my trials. I will say though, I’m still working on things and will continue to.) Now, forwarding to 2019, my mental health was the best it could be! What I didn’t know, was that October 25th was the day that my life would be changed forever. (I know I said I wouldn’t sugarcoat anything, but this is a story that is only a small percent of mine to tell. But if you know me and my life, you would know that I felt a deep, sincere and loving connection to this boy and his family; that family felt like my second family. (No matter what a person is to you, related or not, if you love them deeply, you’ll always be grieving.) That was me and my life crumbled like paper that can’t be placed back. As I look back in my depths of grief, I noticed something about Jesus. That He’s a gentle and a i’m here when you come back kinda God. (Ya’ll, it’s 12am and I am just feeling the beautifully overwhelming love and presence of Jesus. I’m a beautiful but crying mess!) When my grief hit, I wanted nothing to do with God. I was angry, sad, and confused! For the rest of the year, I didn’t think of God at all! It was so dark in my grief, that I thought “I’ll never believe or love God again” yeahhhh, I’m convinced God and The Holy Spirit had a chat in Heaven and It goes like this: “Goodness, she needs slapped!” – GOD. “ooh!!” – THS = The Holy Spirit. “yo, why you staring?” “Well, I just think it’s a bit mean, don’t you think so?” – THS “No. I know you wanna do it” – GOD THS – “yep!” … And so in the start of the month of Febuary, in 2021, I was on my bed, making a edit of Tru on this app on my phone called “PicsArt” I have used this editing app since Febuary of ’17 and to this day, I stll do. It’s amazing! Not the point! So, I was making the edit and I felt in my heart that I was starting to heal. How? Well, because I wasn’t crying while making it or giving up if the tears and heartache got in the way. For a second, I was feeling weird. But then, in an instant I knew it was God! Now I understand why God had me struggle for that while. So God had me do something very hard, so my heart could heal while in the dark. It’s like a light switch. To be able to find Him, you just gotta look for Him. But i’m confused: I wasn’t seeking God but somehow He came runnin’ What do you call that? It’s like the James 4:8 where It says, “Draw near to God and He will draw near to you”. (Ya’ll, it’s December 3, 2023, at 9:57 pm. And God is SO faithful! So, for the fast few days I have been on a writers block. And tonight I decided to write a few words or so in this blog, but I still didn’t know what to write. – God saw me struggling and He put a few words in my heart. Let this remind you that God will ALWAYS come through – HIs timing, not ours. It’s a tough thing to grasp, I get that! I see you.) What GOD put in my heart “I was doubting God and in return, He SHOWED UP!!” I went from feeling like I was not gonna be happy again and feeling unhealed forever to becoming happy and to being healed forevermore! Yes, I have a hole in my heart, but it’s not too broke to love God. -On November 25th, just a month and two days since Tru’s funeral in Nashville, Tennesee,- Toby had posted a picture of a few friends carrying the casket that Tru was in, and I was in school when I saw the photo.- In class, actually. My stomach was turning so fast and tight. I knew I couldn’t stay in class while my stomach was turning, so I asked my teacher if I could take a walk and she did let me. (My teacher was my rock throughout this situation, it meant so much!) From beginning to end, she was there. Like, she would literally check on me to see how I was doing, and one of my other teachers saw me sitting at my desk while I burst into tears and she braced her arms around me and hugged me so tight. (It’s 1:37 am on 12.7.23 and I’m crying tears of graditude of those angels being so sweet. They are sent by God!!) In the moment of her hugging me, In an instant I knew I needed that hug and the love. You see, I’m the type of person that wants love in a hard time, but I never show it. (to be honest, it also depends on the person and the energy they show) It was nice to feel love while going through it. It was beautiful. On December 26th, my shunt of 15 years was gradually breaking. When I say gradually, I mean that It was breaking for a total of 4 days. On day 1, my head hurt like a typical headache would, so normally you would take Ibuprofen, right? Well, I figured out it never worked. As the days passed, my head was getting worse, and so on the 29th at like 8am, I woke up crying due to so much pain in my head. I quickly knew something was wrong, so I told my parents “I need to go to the hospital!” and I lived 2 and a half hours from the hospital I went to. (Ever since I’ve been living in Ohio, my hospital is only 23 minutes away and I thank God for that!) So at 10am, we were on our way to the hospital. As we were still on the road, I was terrified because I thought I was gonna die, I thought I wasn’t gonna make it..due to the pain in my head! It was horrible. Right as my mom and I walked into the door, and I instantly puked (yes, it’s gross and you totally didn’t wanna know that, but that’s how it happened!) the people that were at the front desk ran to help me and before I knew it, I was in a bed in the ER – Emergency Room. I don’t recommend. Try to avoid it if ya can. And honestly, the time frame from puking to being in room was a fast and scary blur…definitely the scariest blur of my 19 years of life. Just as I got into the room, a nurse comes in and well, does the stupidest thing ever, and that is asking questions about my lower body. (As I think about it now, it’s the dumbest thing ever for someone to say, like, my head is hurting not the rest of my body!) Finally she leaves and another nurse gives me a high dose pain meds (they overdose you on that crap, I swear!) The same nurse stuck a needle in the back of my head and told my parents it was broke and that I needed a new shunt. I think it was a few hours later and I go into surgery, pretty much right away. A half hour later, my head started to feel so heavy, almost like a 100 pound weight that you would lift. I couldn’t even lift it up! I stayed for half a day and it wasn’t the worst, but definitely could have been better!! Before I left to head home, I was told I have a few rules to follow for the next two weeks (2 weeks? EW!!!!! One thing about me, is that I DON’T EVER follow rules. You’ll catch me getting told to do something and I do the complete other route. I have a ‘I don’t care’ mentality…) But I had no choice! It sucked! When all this happened, I was obsessed with hardcore working out – walking on the treadmill for 30-40 mins, lifting 10 pounds, cardio, planks, all the good stuff! And I wasn’t allowed to do any of it for two weeks, it was the worst! It killed me inside, ngl. And if you’re thinking since I had brain surgery I can take two weeks off from school, you are wrong. In January, when the next semester of high school started, I had no choice but to go. And so I went to school till it went to online for Covid. (The switch between going to school in person to being online was horrible only because I enjoyed being around people and I also learned better with the teachers with me.) So you can most definitely understand this feeling! At the same time I was probably so stressed out because that April, (4 months later) I was in a whole new state, city and absolutely knew no one! This virus that we knew nothing about and me moving was the hardest part of 2020. But the peace, happiness; the way God showed up was the best of 2020. But how can a good year have trouble if it was so good? Well, here’s the story! The first few weeks of being in the apartment (yes, my family had to search for houses when we got there. It was all perfect in God’s time!) It was the darkest of times….ever! (If you have moved to a new city, state or out of state, you understand the roller coaster of emotions I felt and was going through) I felt so lonely and so scared of my future and of this virus this world knew nothing about! But thank God I had Jesus and my music to keep me calm and safe. That summer, God decided that I needed a new artist to listen to and to learn from. So I click into the app TikTok and Miss Riley Clemmons showed up on my “For You” page on TikTok! I can’t remember what song I found first, but I was instantly hooked! At the time, her debut album, “Riley Clemmons” was the olny full length album that was out, and I cannot express enough how much that album helped me with my confidence and strenth! (I won’t say the impacts of the songs on here, in January, It will on my instagram and my facebook though!) I’m so excited!! I hope you are too. Ok, let’s back to why 2020 was such a happy year for me… well, first off, I had routine, so therefore I would wake up at 8-8:30 am, eat my breaky and went upstairs and did what I liked to do. which was writing on my computer, journaling, listening to music and by the afternoon, I would work out. I like routine and so I did the same thing everyday! it was my “normal” and what kept me sane. It seems to you, my year was short, but I just did the same things for a year. Fast foward to, like, early 2021, it was so early in the morning that it was still dark outside and my tinnitus was so bad (I have hearing loss, so therefore I have loud, constant ringing in both ears) and as I was struggling, I was listening to a song by Christian artist, Colten Dixon, called “This Isn’t The End” and I just let the Devil and my emotions take over me, into the pit of telling me the lies of I won’t make it, God isn’t with you, & just asking why. Not much later, i got hearing aids and to be honest, it was the best decision I ever made! (psa: My hearing aid story will be out soon + other things!) Now, It’s August and I have a new school that I will go to till gradutation. I had to attend this open house for school. (It was just meeting the teachers and seeing where all my classes were) it was cool. But I wanted to tell you this: when I was getting ready to go out + riding in the car to the school, I would blast Ryan Stevenson’s “Wildest Dreams” album and I would feel God being by my side, a calmness and a peace. So, Ryan, thank you so much for being my blessing and my way of seeing Jesus and a way out of my struggles through the music you write. You’re amazing! through-out the 3 years of HighSchool, I would listen to music to keep my worries down, a smile and to have a goodday. It didn’t always work, though! I’m human, okay?? And before I know, It’s the day of graduation / Saturday, May 20, 2023! \

it’s currently 2pm, 1.24.24 and I’m finishing this up while listening to Ryan Stevenson, sitting up against my bed and my butt is not happy! She’s stiff as a tree branch, LOL!

“When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And through the rivers, they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, Nor shall the flame scorch you. For I am the Lord your God, The Holy One of Isreal, your Savior; I gave Egypt for your ransom, Ethiopia and Seba in your place.” – Isaiah 43:2-3 (NKJV)